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| CHAINS "Steel" can "steal." |
How many of us feel tied down? How many of us feel bound to things we have no
power over? How many of us are so trapped by past events that we let that past affect
all that we do? Like steel chains, the events of our lives can affect us in ways that we
may not even realize. Has anyone ever asked you why you let something
inconsequential irritate you? You, dear readers, may be chained by your past as well.
Sometimes the chains of our past are not just like steel chains, but they are also
chains of events. In my own life I have issues with impatient people, hence the “TIME”
essay I wrote some time back. It seems that whenever I am asked for something “right
now” my nostrils flare and my blood pressure escalates.
A few weeks ago I asked myself why “now” or “soon” bothered me so much. As I drove
to yet another errand, I thought long and hard about the times in my life I built this
chain of anger. I remembered when I was having a Remicade treatment a few years
ago. Those around me were concerned because of the reactions I had to the serum,
so they begged me to “take it easy” that day. Lo and behold a few minutes after I was
hooked to the IV my then wife called home and said she needed me to fax her
something “right away.” So much for concern about me “taking it easy.”
But why did that irritate me so much, I wondered. I looked at more of the links of the
chain I had built. Once I had been having a flare up of the Crohn’s disease and
needed to spend all of my time in bed resting and letting my body heal. The woman I
was married to at the time told others in our house that if they needed anything she
would take care of it, since I was ill. Not much later I went to the kitchen for a drink and
there was mother with a $20 bill in her hand. She demanded I go to the store for her
beer “right away.”
So, my readers, you can see perhaps what I am getting at. There are more links going
farther back in this chain. But the root of my anger is not with “right now” or even
“soon,” but rather with those who feign concern for my well-being yet throw that
concern away when it comes to their own needs.
The following is perhaps my biggest character flaw. Other than my kids, I lack the
ability to believe others who say they “care.” I will expand on this topic more in another
essay, but for now lets just say that in my life those who say they “care” or “love” me
only do so when it suits their own needs. Other than my babies, I simply can not
believe in the love others profess for me. The events of my life have proven
otherwise. This chain that binds my wounded heart will continue to enslave me to a
less than full life.
For years I also wondered why it is that being around drunks bothered me so much. I
have no moral issue with alcohol. I also really don’t have an issue with “fun” drunks.
But slobbering, slurring, angry drunks annoy me to no end. In fact, there were nights I
did not go to the bowling alley for that very reason. My sister Debbie pointed me back
to the first link in this chain. When I was in high school all I asked of my mother was
that she be home in time to make sure I was awake for school. For years she would in
fact be there. But she and her “company” would be there at the table, reeking of stale
beer and smoke. Usually mother and I would argue over something, but that argument
stemmed from my aching heart.
These chains of mine are strong, but I am stronger. The trick is to find that first link in
the chain. If you break the first link, there will be nothing to tie you to the anchor. I
have been forcing myself to hang around more drunks. While it isn’t pleasant, they
bother me less and less each time. When I feel I am strong enough I will sit with
mother through one of her slobber fests. When I have handled that perhaps the chain
will be broken.
I have been a slave to my past for too long. There are memories deep inside of me
that I do not wish to face, but if I ever want to be the man I know I am I must feel around
in the sewage of my past and find that first link in each chain. Many of these hurt
feelings I have are from people who are no longer alive, yet I still let these people
affect me every day.
I have been chained to these memories for what seems an eternity. Someday, with the
right help, I will break that last link and I shall be free. Our lives belong to God and
ourselves. It is high time we all take them back.
Be well,
Sponge
11/17/2006
power over? How many of us are so trapped by past events that we let that past affect
all that we do? Like steel chains, the events of our lives can affect us in ways that we
may not even realize. Has anyone ever asked you why you let something
inconsequential irritate you? You, dear readers, may be chained by your past as well.
Sometimes the chains of our past are not just like steel chains, but they are also
chains of events. In my own life I have issues with impatient people, hence the “TIME”
essay I wrote some time back. It seems that whenever I am asked for something “right
now” my nostrils flare and my blood pressure escalates.
A few weeks ago I asked myself why “now” or “soon” bothered me so much. As I drove
to yet another errand, I thought long and hard about the times in my life I built this
chain of anger. I remembered when I was having a Remicade treatment a few years
ago. Those around me were concerned because of the reactions I had to the serum,
so they begged me to “take it easy” that day. Lo and behold a few minutes after I was
hooked to the IV my then wife called home and said she needed me to fax her
something “right away.” So much for concern about me “taking it easy.”
But why did that irritate me so much, I wondered. I looked at more of the links of the
chain I had built. Once I had been having a flare up of the Crohn’s disease and
needed to spend all of my time in bed resting and letting my body heal. The woman I
was married to at the time told others in our house that if they needed anything she
would take care of it, since I was ill. Not much later I went to the kitchen for a drink and
there was mother with a $20 bill in her hand. She demanded I go to the store for her
beer “right away.”
So, my readers, you can see perhaps what I am getting at. There are more links going
farther back in this chain. But the root of my anger is not with “right now” or even
“soon,” but rather with those who feign concern for my well-being yet throw that
concern away when it comes to their own needs.
The following is perhaps my biggest character flaw. Other than my kids, I lack the
ability to believe others who say they “care.” I will expand on this topic more in another
essay, but for now lets just say that in my life those who say they “care” or “love” me
only do so when it suits their own needs. Other than my babies, I simply can not
believe in the love others profess for me. The events of my life have proven
otherwise. This chain that binds my wounded heart will continue to enslave me to a
less than full life.
For years I also wondered why it is that being around drunks bothered me so much. I
have no moral issue with alcohol. I also really don’t have an issue with “fun” drunks.
But slobbering, slurring, angry drunks annoy me to no end. In fact, there were nights I
did not go to the bowling alley for that very reason. My sister Debbie pointed me back
to the first link in this chain. When I was in high school all I asked of my mother was
that she be home in time to make sure I was awake for school. For years she would in
fact be there. But she and her “company” would be there at the table, reeking of stale
beer and smoke. Usually mother and I would argue over something, but that argument
stemmed from my aching heart.
These chains of mine are strong, but I am stronger. The trick is to find that first link in
the chain. If you break the first link, there will be nothing to tie you to the anchor. I
have been forcing myself to hang around more drunks. While it isn’t pleasant, they
bother me less and less each time. When I feel I am strong enough I will sit with
mother through one of her slobber fests. When I have handled that perhaps the chain
will be broken.
I have been a slave to my past for too long. There are memories deep inside of me
that I do not wish to face, but if I ever want to be the man I know I am I must feel around
in the sewage of my past and find that first link in each chain. Many of these hurt
feelings I have are from people who are no longer alive, yet I still let these people
affect me every day.
I have been chained to these memories for what seems an eternity. Someday, with the
right help, I will break that last link and I shall be free. Our lives belong to God and
ourselves. It is high time we all take them back.
Be well,
Sponge
11/17/2006