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| OASIS Floating in a sea of unconditional love |
As we embark upon our new life together, we have talked at length about our
failed marriages and/or relationships. Where did they fail? Why did they fail? We
look at love lost and wonder if there is some magic moment or event we can
pinpoint where everything fell apart.
There is an old joke. A couple who were together for years get married then
divorced a short time later. When someone else asks, " What happened, they were
so in love?" The answer is, "They got married." A truly sad thing is that this is more
an anecdote than a joke.
Why though? Why is the divorce rate in this country so very high? As our life
together starts, we have tried to discuss the issues that have caused us problems
in the past. We realized that while many relationships fail years later, most it seems
fail long before anyone says, "I do."
What is it that dooms so many couples from the very beginning? The answers
appear to be simple-honesty and acceptance. Honesty, or the lack thereof, comes
from not being ourselves. Acceptance refers to not accepting all parts of a person.
Honesty fails because one or both of us "play a role." This happens two different
ways. Sometimes honesty fails in the "chase" part of a relationship. We are so
eager to be loved that we put on a mask and pretend to be something we are not
in order to get the attention of our intended. We pretend to have the same tastes
as our desired partner, in music, hobbies, sex, or even family life. This works well
and good. Really, in and of itself it isn't a bad thing. The problem comes in down
the road when we want to take off that mask. Out of the blue it seems we tell our
new spouse that no, we don't really like kinky sex, dancing, or even kids. They look
at us like we are liars. Sad fact is that we were lying to them, and ourselves, for far
too long.
Honesty also fails because what we call "adjusting." But we will get to that in a bit.
Now we come to the second item that curses so many couples, acceptance. It can
best be summed up with the following sentence, " I love you, but ....." When you
love someone, truly love them, there are no "buts." People are not the morning
buffet. You do not get to pick and choose what parts to accept and what parts to
discard. If you truly love them, you will accept and love every part of them. You
must even love parts of them that they themselves loathe.
Sponge hates his overly emotional side, yet Jamie tells him that is what makes him
so caring and compassionate. Jamie hates her "cheesy" smile, yet Sponge tells her
that very smile is what chases away the darkness.
If we do not accept everything about a person, we are asking them to change. We
do not love them as much as we love ourselves then, do we? Of course their love
for us makes them want to change to please us. There lies the problem, the
second part of the honesty failure called "adjusting."
Adjusting happens when we change something about ourselves in order to
please our partner. Now when we make this change, like losing weight, for
ourselves, that is not adjusting. Adjusting occurs when we hear " I cant live with
that..." So to make our partner happy we change or hide a part of us. Our partners
are happy with the new "us." For a time their happiness makes us glad we
changed. The peace at home makes us happy. Eventually though that forced
change becomes something we hate. It is kind of like expensive, yet poorly fitting
shoes. Oh, it looks good for a time, but pretty soon wearing them becomes a pain
and we hate it. For a time we wear the mask of adjustment, but it makes it hard to
breathe and we want to take it off. Very soon we "unadjust" and all hell breaks
loose. Our partner laments the fact that we don't love them anymore. The sad truth
is that they never loved us. Oh, they loved parts of us, but not us.
We both accept our responsibilities for our portion of the failures in our past
relationships. Sponge has been chasing mirages all of his life. Jamie on the other
hand has been looking for unconditional love to make up for what she never
received from her father. The relationships we got ourselves into were destructive,
and we accept our part in that.
That being said, neither of us can remember a romantic partner that not only
accepted but loved all of us. In Sponge’s second marriage he was asked slowly
and surely to totally change the core of his person. When he would make a
change to suit his ex-wife, there would be another thing she wanted changed. This
lady kept Sponge so beat down that he thought if she left because he would not
change, then no one else would have him. Jamie on the other hand... was made
to feel bad for being bisexual and was forced in part to change that part of herself.
Was told she was always sick... of course she was sick a lot she has a serious
disease. If she could have changed the way she felt she would have. She did not
enjoy being ill. Neither Sponge or Jamie’s partner accepted the fact that they have
a serious disease that nothing could be done about.
Here we are about to start our new life together. It is both exciting and energizing.
Strange, neither of us feels scared about the future. There are none of the
anxieties that come from moving to a new town and our future there. We have
come to believe that even if things get very bad, we will draw on the one thing we
have finally found, the Oasis of unconditional love. That love that comes from
being friends who were always there for each other. That friendship allowed us to
be who we truly were inside, with no masks to wear. Slowly we realized that our
companionship had grown into something more. As friends we saw each other
through a lot. As a couple we will survive the many bad times ahead.
No matter where we hang our bowling shoes, no matter how bad things become,
no matter how sick either of us gets, we are incredibly happy. When one stops
looking for treasure from afar, they realize the gold mine that is a few feet away.
We had come to believe that unconditional love only happens in fairy tales. Some
of the best fairy tales were written by the Brothers Grimm. Our story may be a fairy
tale come true, but there is nothing grim about it.
We do not know what tomorrow will bring. No one really does. But that is what
makes this all so very exciting. We have come to know each other so very well.
Each helped the other discover the real person within. Now together we are ready
to discover the beauty within such a weary world. For no matter what, we will
always have our red noses. We hope to change the world out there and make it a
little less weary, one red nose at a time.
We will be off the net for the next few weeks. With things up in the air with the state
highway department, there is no telling how long things will be in limbo. In the
meantime, we will be heading west towards the unknown. This will be our last
essay for a while. Come my love, time for us to soar.
Be well,
Sponge & Jamie
05/21/2007
failed marriages and/or relationships. Where did they fail? Why did they fail? We
look at love lost and wonder if there is some magic moment or event we can
pinpoint where everything fell apart.
There is an old joke. A couple who were together for years get married then
divorced a short time later. When someone else asks, " What happened, they were
so in love?" The answer is, "They got married." A truly sad thing is that this is more
an anecdote than a joke.
Why though? Why is the divorce rate in this country so very high? As our life
together starts, we have tried to discuss the issues that have caused us problems
in the past. We realized that while many relationships fail years later, most it seems
fail long before anyone says, "I do."
What is it that dooms so many couples from the very beginning? The answers
appear to be simple-honesty and acceptance. Honesty, or the lack thereof, comes
from not being ourselves. Acceptance refers to not accepting all parts of a person.
Honesty fails because one or both of us "play a role." This happens two different
ways. Sometimes honesty fails in the "chase" part of a relationship. We are so
eager to be loved that we put on a mask and pretend to be something we are not
in order to get the attention of our intended. We pretend to have the same tastes
as our desired partner, in music, hobbies, sex, or even family life. This works well
and good. Really, in and of itself it isn't a bad thing. The problem comes in down
the road when we want to take off that mask. Out of the blue it seems we tell our
new spouse that no, we don't really like kinky sex, dancing, or even kids. They look
at us like we are liars. Sad fact is that we were lying to them, and ourselves, for far
too long.
Honesty also fails because what we call "adjusting." But we will get to that in a bit.
Now we come to the second item that curses so many couples, acceptance. It can
best be summed up with the following sentence, " I love you, but ....." When you
love someone, truly love them, there are no "buts." People are not the morning
buffet. You do not get to pick and choose what parts to accept and what parts to
discard. If you truly love them, you will accept and love every part of them. You
must even love parts of them that they themselves loathe.
Sponge hates his overly emotional side, yet Jamie tells him that is what makes him
so caring and compassionate. Jamie hates her "cheesy" smile, yet Sponge tells her
that very smile is what chases away the darkness.
If we do not accept everything about a person, we are asking them to change. We
do not love them as much as we love ourselves then, do we? Of course their love
for us makes them want to change to please us. There lies the problem, the
second part of the honesty failure called "adjusting."
Adjusting happens when we change something about ourselves in order to
please our partner. Now when we make this change, like losing weight, for
ourselves, that is not adjusting. Adjusting occurs when we hear " I cant live with
that..." So to make our partner happy we change or hide a part of us. Our partners
are happy with the new "us." For a time their happiness makes us glad we
changed. The peace at home makes us happy. Eventually though that forced
change becomes something we hate. It is kind of like expensive, yet poorly fitting
shoes. Oh, it looks good for a time, but pretty soon wearing them becomes a pain
and we hate it. For a time we wear the mask of adjustment, but it makes it hard to
breathe and we want to take it off. Very soon we "unadjust" and all hell breaks
loose. Our partner laments the fact that we don't love them anymore. The sad truth
is that they never loved us. Oh, they loved parts of us, but not us.
We both accept our responsibilities for our portion of the failures in our past
relationships. Sponge has been chasing mirages all of his life. Jamie on the other
hand has been looking for unconditional love to make up for what she never
received from her father. The relationships we got ourselves into were destructive,
and we accept our part in that.
That being said, neither of us can remember a romantic partner that not only
accepted but loved all of us. In Sponge’s second marriage he was asked slowly
and surely to totally change the core of his person. When he would make a
change to suit his ex-wife, there would be another thing she wanted changed. This
lady kept Sponge so beat down that he thought if she left because he would not
change, then no one else would have him. Jamie on the other hand... was made
to feel bad for being bisexual and was forced in part to change that part of herself.
Was told she was always sick... of course she was sick a lot she has a serious
disease. If she could have changed the way she felt she would have. She did not
enjoy being ill. Neither Sponge or Jamie’s partner accepted the fact that they have
a serious disease that nothing could be done about.
Here we are about to start our new life together. It is both exciting and energizing.
Strange, neither of us feels scared about the future. There are none of the
anxieties that come from moving to a new town and our future there. We have
come to believe that even if things get very bad, we will draw on the one thing we
have finally found, the Oasis of unconditional love. That love that comes from
being friends who were always there for each other. That friendship allowed us to
be who we truly were inside, with no masks to wear. Slowly we realized that our
companionship had grown into something more. As friends we saw each other
through a lot. As a couple we will survive the many bad times ahead.
No matter where we hang our bowling shoes, no matter how bad things become,
no matter how sick either of us gets, we are incredibly happy. When one stops
looking for treasure from afar, they realize the gold mine that is a few feet away.
We had come to believe that unconditional love only happens in fairy tales. Some
of the best fairy tales were written by the Brothers Grimm. Our story may be a fairy
tale come true, but there is nothing grim about it.
We do not know what tomorrow will bring. No one really does. But that is what
makes this all so very exciting. We have come to know each other so very well.
Each helped the other discover the real person within. Now together we are ready
to discover the beauty within such a weary world. For no matter what, we will
always have our red noses. We hope to change the world out there and make it a
little less weary, one red nose at a time.
We will be off the net for the next few weeks. With things up in the air with the state
highway department, there is no telling how long things will be in limbo. In the
meantime, we will be heading west towards the unknown. This will be our last
essay for a while. Come my love, time for us to soar.
Be well,
Sponge & Jamie
05/21/2007
