| ANGER MANAGEMENT |
One of my proudest achievements in life is that I have broken the cycle of abuse that ran
for generations of males in my family. I do not want to bad mouth my father too much in
this section. He was what he was. While I do not excuse what he did, I look at the
upbringing he had, and his personality becomes understandable. As a parent I wonder how
many generations it went on in our family.
I can say that I have never struck my children in anger. I have spanked Ally and Alex
once each in their lives, and that will probably be all I ever do. As they are older now, I
can sit and explain things to them and they understand. However one cannot sit and explain
why it is bad to stick a fork in an outlet to a two-year old.
All of that being said, the anger is still there inside of me. I have a rather famous
temper. Combine that with the bi-polar disorder and you have the recipe for a monster. I
realize, from personal experience, the long-term damage that can be inflicted upon a child
by a parent that does not know how to control their temper. Whether by physical or
emotional abuse, the effects on our children can last forever. Be careful with the actions
and words you choose, for they can leave invisible scars.
I have finally learned how to control my temper fairly well. Here I will share with you
just how I do it, if it helps you then all the better.
I learned that fits of rage and anger are not just emotional, they have physical
attributes as well. I am sure some of you have felt your ears burn or your heart pound
when you get angry. This is all part of our "fight or flight" instinct that God designed into
us. When I get angry, my ears ring, my heart pounds, my jaw clenches, my breathing
becomes rapid and my nostrils flare.
From past mistakes of lashing out with words in anger, I have learned that my temper is
something I must control. I will not subject my kids to what I went through. So as soon as
I feel these changes in my body, I know it is time to isolate myself for a bit. My family
knows that when I go to my room and close the door, it is best to leave me be until I come
out.
Once I am alone, I sit there and have a nice little temper tantrum, spewing angry words
that no one can hear. Once this is released, then I can sit and decide if I had a right to be
angry. One example I can use is my teenager. He is a very fine young man, but he has the
typical problems that all teenagers have-mostly a self-centeredness that leads him to do
or not do certain things that I think are inconsiderate. When I come home after a day of
running errands or bowling or both, I do not want to find a pile of dishes left for me to do.
Sometimes I get down right mad about this. Rather than explode with hurtful words and
call him "lazy" or worse, I will isolate myself and think things through. Sometimes Raine
will talk it out with me once I have calmed down and we can reason things out in my head.
If I feel I had a right to be angry, I will come out-after my vital signs are normal
again-and explain what made me angry. If anger with someone is justified, you have to let
them know what behavior it is that made you mad so that it will not happen in the future. I
will say, "Ian, I was very angry that you sat on the computer all night while I was out and
left your dirty dishes for me to do." Then I can explain the give and take of being a family
and how we have to pick up each other's slack from time to time.
I rarely yell. I have yelled at Ian three times, and I regret each of those times. Of
course now we can joke about me foaming at the mouth and sending him to his room, but I
still feel like a monster for those three times. I remember what it was like for me as a
child, I refuse to make my kids feel frightened in their own home. Home should be a
sanctuary for kids from the ugliness of the pigeons out there. Those of you who knew me
in my youth might now understand why I enjoyed school so much.
Anger can be a good thing, if used constructively. It is okay to be angry at people or
events, as long as you release it before lashing out. But when you seek to "get even" with
someone because they made you mad, well that is just flat out wrong. I firmly believe
that an eye for an eye soon makes the whole world blind. Look at the situation in
Israel/Palestine right now. Rather than being mature and sitting down, they hold on to
anger and grudges about things that both peoples have done. Someone over there has to be
the bigger man and say "Enough". Yes, their anger may be justified, but their methods are
wrong, on both sides. Life is life and should be cherished.
We have been given a brief flicker of time to call our life. Spending it holding onto
grudges is a waste of time and life. Dealing with your anger before causing harm to
another is not only right as a Christian, it is right as a human. If someone makes you mad
and you choose to be constructive about it I will respect your courage. But if you insist on
making people "pay" for making you angry, then you are nothing more than one of the
countless pigeons of the world who spend their lives crapping on everything.
for generations of males in my family. I do not want to bad mouth my father too much in
this section. He was what he was. While I do not excuse what he did, I look at the
upbringing he had, and his personality becomes understandable. As a parent I wonder how
many generations it went on in our family.
I can say that I have never struck my children in anger. I have spanked Ally and Alex
once each in their lives, and that will probably be all I ever do. As they are older now, I
can sit and explain things to them and they understand. However one cannot sit and explain
why it is bad to stick a fork in an outlet to a two-year old.
All of that being said, the anger is still there inside of me. I have a rather famous
temper. Combine that with the bi-polar disorder and you have the recipe for a monster. I
realize, from personal experience, the long-term damage that can be inflicted upon a child
by a parent that does not know how to control their temper. Whether by physical or
emotional abuse, the effects on our children can last forever. Be careful with the actions
and words you choose, for they can leave invisible scars.
I have finally learned how to control my temper fairly well. Here I will share with you
just how I do it, if it helps you then all the better.
I learned that fits of rage and anger are not just emotional, they have physical
attributes as well. I am sure some of you have felt your ears burn or your heart pound
when you get angry. This is all part of our "fight or flight" instinct that God designed into
us. When I get angry, my ears ring, my heart pounds, my jaw clenches, my breathing
becomes rapid and my nostrils flare.
From past mistakes of lashing out with words in anger, I have learned that my temper is
something I must control. I will not subject my kids to what I went through. So as soon as
I feel these changes in my body, I know it is time to isolate myself for a bit. My family
knows that when I go to my room and close the door, it is best to leave me be until I come
out.
Once I am alone, I sit there and have a nice little temper tantrum, spewing angry words
that no one can hear. Once this is released, then I can sit and decide if I had a right to be
angry. One example I can use is my teenager. He is a very fine young man, but he has the
typical problems that all teenagers have-mostly a self-centeredness that leads him to do
or not do certain things that I think are inconsiderate. When I come home after a day of
running errands or bowling or both, I do not want to find a pile of dishes left for me to do.
Sometimes I get down right mad about this. Rather than explode with hurtful words and
call him "lazy" or worse, I will isolate myself and think things through. Sometimes Raine
will talk it out with me once I have calmed down and we can reason things out in my head.
If I feel I had a right to be angry, I will come out-after my vital signs are normal
again-and explain what made me angry. If anger with someone is justified, you have to let
them know what behavior it is that made you mad so that it will not happen in the future. I
will say, "Ian, I was very angry that you sat on the computer all night while I was out and
left your dirty dishes for me to do." Then I can explain the give and take of being a family
and how we have to pick up each other's slack from time to time.
I rarely yell. I have yelled at Ian three times, and I regret each of those times. Of
course now we can joke about me foaming at the mouth and sending him to his room, but I
still feel like a monster for those three times. I remember what it was like for me as a
child, I refuse to make my kids feel frightened in their own home. Home should be a
sanctuary for kids from the ugliness of the pigeons out there. Those of you who knew me
in my youth might now understand why I enjoyed school so much.
Anger can be a good thing, if used constructively. It is okay to be angry at people or
events, as long as you release it before lashing out. But when you seek to "get even" with
someone because they made you mad, well that is just flat out wrong. I firmly believe
that an eye for an eye soon makes the whole world blind. Look at the situation in
Israel/Palestine right now. Rather than being mature and sitting down, they hold on to
anger and grudges about things that both peoples have done. Someone over there has to be
the bigger man and say "Enough". Yes, their anger may be justified, but their methods are
wrong, on both sides. Life is life and should be cherished.
We have been given a brief flicker of time to call our life. Spending it holding onto
grudges is a waste of time and life. Dealing with your anger before causing harm to
another is not only right as a Christian, it is right as a human. If someone makes you mad
and you choose to be constructive about it I will respect your courage. But if you insist on
making people "pay" for making you angry, then you are nothing more than one of the
countless pigeons of the world who spend their lives crapping on everything.
