| SPONGEOSOPHY ESSAY The Ride |
So many times in my life I have found myself tired, despondent, lost. I have wondered how
much more can go wrong around me and to me. I have wondered how much longer I
would have to put up with this horrible life. I have wondered if God was punishing me,
torturing me, or I was just a rat in His maze that He enjoyed toying with. Thank God I had
the Epiphany, for this whole world view changed, and me along with it.
People ask me again and again, “How do you do it, stay so positive?” Well, as you all who
are regular readers know, it hasn’t been easy. And to be totally honest, I still have my
moments of, “I can‘t play this game of life any more.” But then I dig down deep, go for a
walk and have a long talk with my Creator (okay, He listens, I babble). Some months ago I
had a bit of a realization, and then got an e-mail from someone that basically summed up
my new views-showing me once again that God does answer prayers, although in His
own way.
I try to look at life like a roller coaster ride. I can’t ride them any more due to the condition of
my internal organs, but I remember riding them as a child. I remember the building
anticipation as the chain carried the coaster up-click-clank-tick-tick. I remember nearly
wetting myself as a boy of 8 and screaming my head off at the first drop, which at the time
seemed to go straight down and 1,000 mph. Then back up, and more drops.
Why do we ride roller coasters? Do we NEED the thrill of danger? I mean, we know that
roller coasters are very safe, with just a few accidents, yet there is always the possibility of
danger. We seem to enjoy being scared, hence we ride roller coasters, go see horror
movies, etc. Yet when we do these things we know that when the ride is over, we will be all
right, the moment has passed and our feet are firmly planted where they should be. Yet
back we go again to seek that thrill one more time, the adrenaline rush that comes with
fear is incredible. Yes, we feed on our own fear.
Life to me is the biggest roller coaster of them all. When I lay down to sleep at night I have
the anticipation of not knowing how the night will go or how I will feel the next day, or even if
there will be a next day. Then I open my eyes and pull down the lock handle and brace
myself for whatever might happen. Some days life seems to be the relaxing thrill of going
back up the next hill-that relief that for a moment everything is fine. Some days it feels like
a 90 degree drop at 1,000 mph. The pain, vomiting, etc., can be horrible to bear, even with
powerful medicines. Then there are days when everything seems to go wrong, be it the
people in my life, my brain (I am bi-polar, remember), my bowling, and on and on. There
seem to be weeks or even months at a time when we don’t know how we will make ends
meet or even keep them in the same zip code. Then out of the blue things fall into place
and we get the release of the next crest, however temporary.
Yesterday I felt fairly good, physically. Today I feel a bit worn. I do not know how I will feel
tomorrow. That is the thrill of life. I could sit here and put on a diaper, then wallow in my
own crap and self-pity (although I think the self-pity is far worse). Or I could look at the
roller coaster of life like the thrill ride that it is. The thing is, that is my choice.
When things are difficult, I do all I can do make them better, be it taking extra medicine,
working magic with the checkbook to find a few bucks, or just calling a friend to do a bit of
venting. Once I KNOW that I have done all I can, that is it. I refuse to fuss and stew about
things (or people) that I cannot control. I did just that for years, and took a break from reality
as a result. Now, once I know I have given it my all, I sit back and enjoy the ride.
Oh, don’t get me wrong; I do NOT enjoy bad times. But, I LOATHE misery. Once again I
reiterate, bad times are inevitable, misery is optional. I don’t lose track of the fact that my
feelings about something are MY choice. I may not have much power over my body or
other people, but I have infinite power over how I feel about those things.
So do you.
Do you want to jump off the ride in the middle? Why? There is another crest somewhere.
I know at times it seems all down hill, that things keep getting worse exponentially. But I
also know that I will get to enjoy good days and good times again.
Now I know there is a day coming that will be my last, that the next hill just might be the last
one. But what makes it so ridiculously easy for ME is my faith. God is running this ride.
Now I know many of you readers here don’t share my faith. I wish you did, but I am not one
to force my views on anyone. Don’t be in any hurry to get off this ride. Enjoy the thrill while
you can, you only get this life once. Now I know there are more bad times ahead, yet I know
this ride has an end. While the end of the ride appeals to me, I want to hang on and see
what the next event might be. What keeps me solid is knowing that at the end God will lift
the brace bar off of me and take me off the ride. With His loving smile I KNOW He will say
to me, “I hope you had the ride of your life.”
Be well,
Dwain “Sponge Daddy” Koch
02/10/2005
much more can go wrong around me and to me. I have wondered how much longer I
would have to put up with this horrible life. I have wondered if God was punishing me,
torturing me, or I was just a rat in His maze that He enjoyed toying with. Thank God I had
the Epiphany, for this whole world view changed, and me along with it.
People ask me again and again, “How do you do it, stay so positive?” Well, as you all who
are regular readers know, it hasn’t been easy. And to be totally honest, I still have my
moments of, “I can‘t play this game of life any more.” But then I dig down deep, go for a
walk and have a long talk with my Creator (okay, He listens, I babble). Some months ago I
had a bit of a realization, and then got an e-mail from someone that basically summed up
my new views-showing me once again that God does answer prayers, although in His
own way.
I try to look at life like a roller coaster ride. I can’t ride them any more due to the condition of
my internal organs, but I remember riding them as a child. I remember the building
anticipation as the chain carried the coaster up-click-clank-tick-tick. I remember nearly
wetting myself as a boy of 8 and screaming my head off at the first drop, which at the time
seemed to go straight down and 1,000 mph. Then back up, and more drops.
Why do we ride roller coasters? Do we NEED the thrill of danger? I mean, we know that
roller coasters are very safe, with just a few accidents, yet there is always the possibility of
danger. We seem to enjoy being scared, hence we ride roller coasters, go see horror
movies, etc. Yet when we do these things we know that when the ride is over, we will be all
right, the moment has passed and our feet are firmly planted where they should be. Yet
back we go again to seek that thrill one more time, the adrenaline rush that comes with
fear is incredible. Yes, we feed on our own fear.
Life to me is the biggest roller coaster of them all. When I lay down to sleep at night I have
the anticipation of not knowing how the night will go or how I will feel the next day, or even if
there will be a next day. Then I open my eyes and pull down the lock handle and brace
myself for whatever might happen. Some days life seems to be the relaxing thrill of going
back up the next hill-that relief that for a moment everything is fine. Some days it feels like
a 90 degree drop at 1,000 mph. The pain, vomiting, etc., can be horrible to bear, even with
powerful medicines. Then there are days when everything seems to go wrong, be it the
people in my life, my brain (I am bi-polar, remember), my bowling, and on and on. There
seem to be weeks or even months at a time when we don’t know how we will make ends
meet or even keep them in the same zip code. Then out of the blue things fall into place
and we get the release of the next crest, however temporary.
Yesterday I felt fairly good, physically. Today I feel a bit worn. I do not know how I will feel
tomorrow. That is the thrill of life. I could sit here and put on a diaper, then wallow in my
own crap and self-pity (although I think the self-pity is far worse). Or I could look at the
roller coaster of life like the thrill ride that it is. The thing is, that is my choice.
When things are difficult, I do all I can do make them better, be it taking extra medicine,
working magic with the checkbook to find a few bucks, or just calling a friend to do a bit of
venting. Once I KNOW that I have done all I can, that is it. I refuse to fuss and stew about
things (or people) that I cannot control. I did just that for years, and took a break from reality
as a result. Now, once I know I have given it my all, I sit back and enjoy the ride.
Oh, don’t get me wrong; I do NOT enjoy bad times. But, I LOATHE misery. Once again I
reiterate, bad times are inevitable, misery is optional. I don’t lose track of the fact that my
feelings about something are MY choice. I may not have much power over my body or
other people, but I have infinite power over how I feel about those things.
So do you.
Do you want to jump off the ride in the middle? Why? There is another crest somewhere.
I know at times it seems all down hill, that things keep getting worse exponentially. But I
also know that I will get to enjoy good days and good times again.
Now I know there is a day coming that will be my last, that the next hill just might be the last
one. But what makes it so ridiculously easy for ME is my faith. God is running this ride.
Now I know many of you readers here don’t share my faith. I wish you did, but I am not one
to force my views on anyone. Don’t be in any hurry to get off this ride. Enjoy the thrill while
you can, you only get this life once. Now I know there are more bad times ahead, yet I know
this ride has an end. While the end of the ride appeals to me, I want to hang on and see
what the next event might be. What keeps me solid is knowing that at the end God will lift
the brace bar off of me and take me off the ride. With His loving smile I KNOW He will say
to me, “I hope you had the ride of your life.”
Be well,
Dwain “Sponge Daddy” Koch
02/10/2005
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