| ANGER Controlling The Beast Within |
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One of my proudest achievements in life is that I have broken the cycle of abuse
that ran for generations of males in my family. I do not want to bad mouth my father
too much in this section. He was what he was. While I do not excuse what he did, I
look at the upbringing he had, and his personality becomes understandable. As a
parent I wonder how many generations it went on in our family.
I can say that I have never struck my children in anger. I have spanked Ally and Alex
once each in their lives, and that will probably be all I ever do. As they are older
now, I can sit and explain things to them and they understand. However one cannot
sit and explain why it is bad to stick a fork in an outlet to a two-year old.
All of that being said, the anger is still there inside of me. I have a rather famous
temper. Combine that with the bi-polar disorder and you have the recipe for a
monster. I realize, from personal experience, the long-term damage that can be
inflicted upon a child by a parent that does not know how to control their temper.
Whether by physical or emotional abuse, the effects on our children can last
forever. Be careful with the actions and words you choose, for they can leave
invisible scars.
I have finally learned how to control my temper fairly well. Here I will share with you
just how I do it, if it helps you then all the better.
I learned that fits of rage and anger are not just emotional, they have physical
attributes as well. I am sure some of you have felt your ears burn or your heart
pound when you get angry. This is all part of our "fight or flight" instinct that God
designed into us. When I get angry, my ears ring, my heart pounds, my jaw
clenches, my breathing becomes rapid and my nostrils flare.
From past mistakes of lashing out with words in anger, I have learned that my
temper is something I must control. I will not subject my kids to what I went
through. So as soon as I feel these changes in my body, I know it is time to isolate
myself for a bit. My family knows that when I go to my room and close the door, it is
best to leave me be until I come out.
Once I am alone, I sit there and have a nice little temper tantrum, spewing angry
words that no one can hear. Once this is released, then I can sit and decide if I had
a right to be angry. One example I can use is my teenager. He is a very fine young
man, but he has the typical problems that all teenagers have-mostly a
self-centeredness that leads him to do or not do certain things that I think are
inconsiderate. When I come home after a day of running errands or bowling or
both, I do not want to find a pile of dishes left for me to do. Sometimes I get down
right mad about this. Rather than explode with hurtful words and call him "lazy" or
worse, I will isolate myself and think things through. Sometimes someone will talk
it out with me once I have calmed down and we can reason things out in my head.
If I feel I had a right to be angry, I will come out-after my vital signs are normal
again-and explain what made me angry. If anger with someone is justified, you
have to let them know what behavior it is that made you mad so that it will not
happen in the future. I will say, "Ian, I was very angry that you sat on the computer
all night while I was out and left your dirty dishes for me to do." Then I can explain
the give and take of being a family and how we have to pick up each other's slack
from time to time.
I rarely yell. I have yelled at Ian three times, and I regret each of those times. Of
course now we can joke about me foaming at the mouth and sending him to his
room, but I still feel like a monster for those three times. I remember what it was
like for me as a child, I refuse to make my kids feel frightened in their own home.
Home should be a sanctuary for kids from the ugliness of the pigeons out there.
Those of you who knew me in my youth might now understand why I enjoyed
school so much.
Anger can be a good thing, if used constructively. It is okay to be angry at people or
events, as long as you release it before lashing out. But when you seek to "get
even" with someone because they made you mad, well that is just flat out wrong. I
firmly believe that an eye for an eye soon makes the whole world blind. Look at the
situation in Israel/Palestine right now. Rather than being mature and sitting down,
they hold on to anger and grudges about things that both peoples have done.
Someone over there has to be the bigger man and say "Enough". Yes, their anger
may be justified, but their methods are wrong, on both sides. Life is life and should
be cherished.
We have been given a brief flicker of time to call our life. Spending it holding onto
grudges is a waste of time and life. Dealing with your anger before causing harm
to another is not only right as a Christian, it is right as a human. If someone makes
you mad and you choose to be constructive about it I will respect your courage. But
if you insist on making people "pay" for making you angry, then you are nothing
more than one of the countless pigeons of the world who spend their lives crapping
on everything.
Be well,
Sponge
(originally written May 2003)
that ran for generations of males in my family. I do not want to bad mouth my father
too much in this section. He was what he was. While I do not excuse what he did, I
look at the upbringing he had, and his personality becomes understandable. As a
parent I wonder how many generations it went on in our family.
I can say that I have never struck my children in anger. I have spanked Ally and Alex
once each in their lives, and that will probably be all I ever do. As they are older
now, I can sit and explain things to them and they understand. However one cannot
sit and explain why it is bad to stick a fork in an outlet to a two-year old.
All of that being said, the anger is still there inside of me. I have a rather famous
temper. Combine that with the bi-polar disorder and you have the recipe for a
monster. I realize, from personal experience, the long-term damage that can be
inflicted upon a child by a parent that does not know how to control their temper.
Whether by physical or emotional abuse, the effects on our children can last
forever. Be careful with the actions and words you choose, for they can leave
invisible scars.
I have finally learned how to control my temper fairly well. Here I will share with you
just how I do it, if it helps you then all the better.
I learned that fits of rage and anger are not just emotional, they have physical
attributes as well. I am sure some of you have felt your ears burn or your heart
pound when you get angry. This is all part of our "fight or flight" instinct that God
designed into us. When I get angry, my ears ring, my heart pounds, my jaw
clenches, my breathing becomes rapid and my nostrils flare.
From past mistakes of lashing out with words in anger, I have learned that my
temper is something I must control. I will not subject my kids to what I went
through. So as soon as I feel these changes in my body, I know it is time to isolate
myself for a bit. My family knows that when I go to my room and close the door, it is
best to leave me be until I come out.
Once I am alone, I sit there and have a nice little temper tantrum, spewing angry
words that no one can hear. Once this is released, then I can sit and decide if I had
a right to be angry. One example I can use is my teenager. He is a very fine young
man, but he has the typical problems that all teenagers have-mostly a
self-centeredness that leads him to do or not do certain things that I think are
inconsiderate. When I come home after a day of running errands or bowling or
both, I do not want to find a pile of dishes left for me to do. Sometimes I get down
right mad about this. Rather than explode with hurtful words and call him "lazy" or
worse, I will isolate myself and think things through. Sometimes someone will talk
it out with me once I have calmed down and we can reason things out in my head.
If I feel I had a right to be angry, I will come out-after my vital signs are normal
again-and explain what made me angry. If anger with someone is justified, you
have to let them know what behavior it is that made you mad so that it will not
happen in the future. I will say, "Ian, I was very angry that you sat on the computer
all night while I was out and left your dirty dishes for me to do." Then I can explain
the give and take of being a family and how we have to pick up each other's slack
from time to time.
I rarely yell. I have yelled at Ian three times, and I regret each of those times. Of
course now we can joke about me foaming at the mouth and sending him to his
room, but I still feel like a monster for those three times. I remember what it was
like for me as a child, I refuse to make my kids feel frightened in their own home.
Home should be a sanctuary for kids from the ugliness of the pigeons out there.
Those of you who knew me in my youth might now understand why I enjoyed
school so much.
Anger can be a good thing, if used constructively. It is okay to be angry at people or
events, as long as you release it before lashing out. But when you seek to "get
even" with someone because they made you mad, well that is just flat out wrong. I
firmly believe that an eye for an eye soon makes the whole world blind. Look at the
situation in Israel/Palestine right now. Rather than being mature and sitting down,
they hold on to anger and grudges about things that both peoples have done.
Someone over there has to be the bigger man and say "Enough". Yes, their anger
may be justified, but their methods are wrong, on both sides. Life is life and should
be cherished.
We have been given a brief flicker of time to call our life. Spending it holding onto
grudges is a waste of time and life. Dealing with your anger before causing harm
to another is not only right as a Christian, it is right as a human. If someone makes
you mad and you choose to be constructive about it I will respect your courage. But
if you insist on making people "pay" for making you angry, then you are nothing
more than one of the countless pigeons of the world who spend their lives crapping
on everything.
Be well,
Sponge
(originally written May 2003)
